A year from now…

What else will happen in that year?  In this last year I lost a job, started a job, ended a relationship, forgave an ex husband, went to London and Paris, found a great therapist, decided to go to grad school and was accepted, made two trips to NYC, threw a rockin’ baby shower…

It’s been so easy to look back and think I didn’t do anything of substance, but this past year was a big one.  This one to come will be too.  And it will culminate with me in running 13.1 miles through a castle wearing a sparkly headband.

Writing that paragraph above makes me think about what trips I want to take next.  I am going to NYC again in April to see Newsies on Broadway.  Will there be a big trip?  Several small ones?  I’m determined to see one new place a year from now on.  Whether that is Seattle or Spain, I do not know.

Let me bring things to a more local level.  Enough with the big plans.

Working in a grocery store makes me hungry all the time.  What I’m making for dinner, or could be having for breakfast, or ingredients I should have on hand is all I can think about.

I bought the cats an automatic cat food feeder.  My schedule varies so much now and traveling to school once a month and an occasional work trip stressed me out.  I am amazed by people who can feed multiple children and still get themselves out of the house in a timely fashion.  There are days I’ll be ready to go and then remember I have to feed the cats!  Oh my gosh!  That’s a 20 second task that will somehow always be the reason I’m late.  Also, I really wanted Oliver to stop bothering me at 6am.  I have it set to dispense food at 6am and 6pm.  The funniest thing that happens in this apartment (this week anyway) is Oliver sprinting for the feeder when he hears the food drop.  That cat is a good eater.

I finally read the Walt Disney biography (by Neal Gabler) that I got for Christmas or a birthday or something years ago.  I used it as a leadership book assignment (I don’t think you’re supposed to call them book reports in grad school, but it’s a book report).  Technically, I didn’t read it.  I bought the audio book to listen to in my car.  I have a half hour commute each way minimum each day.  That’s an hour a day of reading.  Good thing to.  The book is 26 discs, totaling 38 hours of listening time.  But it’s really magical to read.  It took 5 years to make Snow White!  It was truly revolutionary in the animation world.  Don’t get me started on how amazing Disneyland was and how Walt was so involved in every detail and how he wanted it to be so nice for families.

This weekend is grad school weekend.  I think I’m going to the BG hockey game Saturday night up there.  Hockey must be a big deal there.  The class is going.  Sometimes I have to force myself to do social things.  This might be a good networking opportunity.  MBA faculty and students will also be there.

And after all, who knows where I’ll be in a year and who I might need to know…

Gentleman Friend is a skilled and knowledgable runner.

Race shirt and rhinestone headband!

I have been too intimidated to run with him until yesterday.  I thought it would be a nice morning – a Valentine’s Day themed run where couples were encouraged.  And he could start to see the progress I was making.  But I was stressed about it.  I’m a recovering chubs who is a total beginner runner.  Gentleman Friend is tall and lean and sexy.

My running looks like this right now: YMCA, treadmill, 5 minute warm up, run 20 minutes at 6 mph, walk 3 minutes, Tabata drills at 7.5 or 8.0 mph, cool down.  Few stretches.  Done.

Gentleman Friend’s running is of course, much different.  There is warm up running measured in meters, stretching, drills, and then there’s the run and then there’s the post stretching.

I kind of freaked out.  I am not a confident runner.  I’m scared of looking like the least sexy fool ever in front of the man I want to see me as a sexy, confident person.  I felt like if I ran the mile warm up (or approximately 1600 meters) I would not be able to finish the race. Which would be humiliating.

Gentleman Friend can’t understand why I’m freaking about warming up his way.  I can’t understand why he can’t soften his approach and just have fun with me that morning.  All of a sudden, my fun V Day race sucks.

High stress, high anxiety and then frustrated about this situation that both of us seem to be losing led to an only okay race.  I finished in 34:21.  9 seconds faster than my December race.  Gentleman Friend ended up running ahead of me.  I’m too slow for him.  Sigh.  No holding hands as we crossed the finish line.  Just a total yuck morning.  And I know I’m a part of this – my stubbornness was high to mask my insecurity.  I didn’t mean to diminish his knowledge, I just wasn’t ready for it in that situation.  Yuck, I say again.  I really dug in, I just didn’t know what else to do.  I’m in a situation where I know I’m kind of an idiot and it just felt like it was being magnified.  I seriously shut down.

So – here’s what I need.  I need to clearly learn a better warm up strategy.  I need to run with him more often and not only in race situations.  I need to trust that he won’t stop seeing me me because I’m a lousy runner.  I need to train outside more.

I don’t often ask questions of the few of you who read this blog – but help me out – has that ever happened to you?  Have you freaked out on a person trying to help you because you were uncomfortable or scared or feeling helpless?  I couldn’t even explain to Gentleman Friend that is wasn’t really about him – his way was better – it was about me not needing that particular information right then.  And by golly, if you happen to be a runner and reading this post – tell me what your warm up protocol is so I can start learning.

Excellent combo!

I was right!  It was delicious.  Me and my addictive personality have had three bowls of this since Thursday night.  It was dinner Friday night and breakfast and lunch today.  At least it’s given me a pause from the hummus and pita chips that I’m most recently addicted to.

Try it out!

And for a bigger treat…

I wrote about Valentine’s Day yesterday and how it’s a great time for a special treat from someone you love.  Well, I’m a big fan of me.  So, I bought myself a treat with a capital T.

T for Tiffany

That’s right.  I have wanted the little silver ball earrings for years.  Now that I’m confident this job isn’t going away, I’ve got a few paychecks under my belt and I can feel my feet again, I bought myself a Valentine’s Day/New Job present.

Blue box. White bow. Perfection.

It just makes me happy.  I didn’t even open it right away when I got home.  I left them in their pretty, perfectly tied, and very classy box.  This is the value of a brand – when you won’t even untie the bow because you’ll never be able to tie it back the way it was and you don’t want to ruin it right away.  Power of the brand.

Simple. Elegant. Everyday.

There it is.  Happy Valentine’s Day/New Job to me.  I feel elegant and grown up in them.  I love that I’m starting to look more outwardly put together, and even feeling inwardly put together.  I suppose I could have summed that up with I’m feeling more put together in general.  And it’s nice.

I am in love with all the Valentine’s Day love I’m finding on some of my favorite blogs!  More so than usual.  Here are some of my favorite things!

Super sweet decorated sugar cookies from Our Best Bites.  Lots of swirly hearts!  There are 10 more great ideas on their Valentine’s Day post, go check it out!

Super cute cookies from Our Best Bites!

 Adorable homemade card ideas from stephmodo.  Instructions on the site!

so easy, so sweet!

This proposal story which isn’t directly related to Valentine’s Day – but I love it!  Thanks to Girls with Good Taste for sharing.

...and seriously, how beautiful is this ring?!

And I can’t find where this next photo originated.  I found it on Pinterest, but the link back to it’s blog was broken.  I love the idea of small love notes on a pretty frame made into a dry erase board.

I love this because...It's so simple!

There you you have it.  Some adorable ideas for small and special ways to say “I think you’re neat!”

• Fold so much laundry
• Read 12 chapters in a variety of textbooks
• Respond to an online discussion question
• Finish listening to my audio book so I can start writing a paper on it (can I say this is actually the thing I’m doing best right now.  Utilizing my hour minimum commute every day to “read” this giant biography was a great idea.  It’s easily the most consistent reading I’m doing.)
• Exercise!  Particularly strength training!  How many times do I have to say this to myself?!  My running is getting consistent and I’m building confidence.  I know me well enough to know I need a buddy or a class.  Must find strength training class at Y.  End of story.

Not to mention the extra curricular activities this week of dinner with my friend Claire (which I am super stoked about – she and I are celebrating our great new jobs and we’re going to what I believe is the nicest restaurant in St. Louis – Sidney Street) and dinner with work peeps on Thursday night.

When I first became unemployed I remember feeling so overwhelmed that if I thought if I hid under the covers, if I stayed very still, nothing bad would find me.  I’m sad to say tonight was kind of like that also.  I got home at a reasonable hour, ate a bowl of cereal and thought about all the things I needed to do.  And then I hid under the blanket on my couch.  And I covered myself with cats.  No one will find me under the cats.

When is the last time I took good pictures of good food?  When is the last time I had an interesting story?  Right now, I could tell you about Walt Disney’s life (he’s the biography I’m listening to), how I’m waiting for my last W2 to arrive so I can make an appointment to get my taxes done (too many to do myself I think- four different W2′s, plus my student loan stuff) and how I’m coveting this jacket from lululemon.com.  

Time to read.  A textbook.  Not a blog.  Although darn it if I’m not all involved in Meghann and her quest to find the perfect wedding venue…

I must remember, I brought this on my self.  I want all of this.  I’m grateful to be in all of these wonderful places in my life.  Must figure out how to do it all.  

Nope!  Oranges!  Mini, baby, tiny, wee oranges!

They are just too cute.  And so easy to peel.

While I was unemployed, I did not think it was the best use of $40 to renew my Sam’s Club membership.  Today after work, that’s all I wanted to do.  It may seem strange to love both the high brow food that I do AND Sam’s Club, but that’s me.  (Seriously, see previous post for internal struggles.)  I love wandering aisles and finding nonsense.  I love buying giant bags of cat food and huge packages of blueberries.  I love the wine aisle and the occasional surprise in produce.  My love of pomegranate seeds started when I saw them at Sam’s and took a chance on them.

Cuties impulse buy!

I could do an entire post about the things I love at Sam’s.  I was smart today.  I did not grab a cart.  I had a singular mission.  Well, a dual mission.  To renew membership and to get a bottle of wine.  That’s it.  No cart.  I wandered pet food and cleaning supplies.  Stopped briefly in mattresses and linens.  Coveted some really nice patio furniture.  And continued on to wine.  Picked up two bottles.  Mistakenly walked through produce.  Saw the big thing of blueberries.  Can’t resist.  Picked ‘em up.  Still okay, two bottles of wine and blueberries.  And then I saw the green bottle in the picture above.  I’ve got a thing for the green smoothies that everyone is crazy about these days.  I have spinach at my house already.  I thought this looked like a good way to mix some up without buying a ton of fruit right now.  The ingredient list on the juice is really clean and a cup of that, plus two cups of spinach, plus a cup of water and some ice = this weeks green smoothies!  The juice is already green.  It seemed like the right thing to do.

So.  I came home with two bottles of wine, the green juice (the Cutie mandarin oranges I already had at home) and blueberries.  I’ll be looking forward to my green drink tomorrow morning.  After I try and get up at 5am to run.  Should probably go to bed…

Me in my cool new BG hoodie! Official gear of a college student, yes?

Grad school homework is a tad overwhelming.

Come to think of it, grad school is a tad overwhelming.

My first residency weekend was this past weekend.  Three days of class and meeting new people and presentations and so much group work.  There was a fair amount of getting to know you.  I was overcome with this idea that I had to create an identity for myself.  That I needed to be defined as the “__ person.”  You know, the union guy, the weird lady, the bitchy one, the Purell guy, etc…  That I needed to decide who I wanted to be, to portray myself as while I’m there.  Is that odd?  Wouldn’t most people show up and be themselves?  Do I know myself at all?

I am a big fan of the Disc Profile.  It’s a self assessment, similar to the Meyers Briggs.  Disc looks at your behavioral tendencies and how you interact with the world.  The last time I took this assessment I was working for the CVC, happy with my job and looking for answers in my personal life.  I was a solid S.  S for Steady.  I like to be the work horse behind the people with the great ideas.  I like to follow a plan.  I wanted to apply that to grad school.  I didn’t want to be out in front.  I want to absorb and learn.  I haven’t learned anything in a long time.  I didn’t want to have to speak up at every question.  And the good news is, there are plenty of showy people in class.  The high I or high D personalities that like control.  I don’t need to be it.  The professor even spoke about this on the first day – we need to learn, not perform.

I took the assessment last week for my new job (which is going great, by the way!).  You know what it came out?  High I and D.  And it’s not surprising.  When I think of my last work experience, my most recent work at the casino and how that all ended, it’s not surprising that I think of trying to take over, take control of my environment.

I cannot explain how conflicting all of this is for me though.  I am sure this sounds like a wackadoo post to anyone reading.  I can’t put my finger on what’s pulling at me.  But something is.  Who do I want to be?  What do I want to be?  How do I feel I can be most successful in my environment?

Sheesh.  I’m confident reading one of my text books is a better use of my time right now.  I need to post some pictures soon.  I need to cook some stuff soon. Free time is precious these days, friends.

Grad school is supposed to make me more coherent, yes?  Or is this part of the higher education process.  Learning about Organization Development and Change….and myself?

Sheesh I say again.

And that’s ten.

Back to my paper.

I am proud of myself for not waiting for this new year to put into place the things I wanted to happen.  I applied and was accepted to grad school when I had no idea how I was going to pay for it.  But thousands of people figure out how to pay for it, right?  I knew I would too.  I didn’t wait for this year to start to begin my longest half marathon training process ever, I ran my first 5K a couple of weeks ago.  I didn’t sit around and collect unemployment and wait for a job to fall in my lap.  I took on my random part time jobs where I met new people, learned new things and got out of the house, even though the combined total from those two part time jobs was never more than an unemployment check was.  My friend Claire likes to point out that I was essentially volunteering during this time because I still got partial unemployment during that time.

I have a “word” for 2012.  It’s FOCUS.  I have three big undertakings in 2012, things I began in 2011 and are only going to get more intense:

1. Disney Princess half marathon training for Feb ’13  (I know – longest training process ever.  I know.)
2. New job.  As a corporate trainer that has just moved to an entirely new industry (casinos to groceries) I know there is much to learn on top of a very rigorous training schedule.
3. Grad school.  So much reading!  I’ve always been smart, but I’ve never been an exceptional student.  Creating good study habits is going to be a challenge.

Making time for all of these things in addition to life getting in the way is going to be my challenge.  Therefore, I choose to FOCUS this year.  So, instead of creating a list of lofty goals and books to read and instruments to tackle – I’ll FOCUS on these and see what else happens.

This new year snuck in.  I’ve been sicker this week than I can remember being in a long time.  I’m fortunate to never have sinus or allergy issues.  I’m experiencing my first sinus infection and it is wiping me out.  From a couple of days before New Years Eve until last night I was pretty much bed bound.  I had a few friends over for New Years Eve, but even they were out by 10pm.  I was even driven to purchase and experiment with a Neti Pot for the first time.  I have a few friends who swear by them and I will admit I felt relief after using it.  Also glad I live alone while using it.  Least sexy thing ever, I imagine.

Happy New Year to all of you.  I’m excited to enter this year with intent and purpose.  And a place to share it all.

My friend Claire met me for a walk though Tower Grove Park.

I needed to make marshmallows to package with some hot chocolate mix I was giving as gifts.

I needed to make something for myself to eat for breakfast.

Marshmallows proved more of an adventure than I was prepared for.  I made them years ago and what I remember is that when I added hot liquid sugar to cold gelatin in the mixer there was an explosion of white mess for a minute, and then marshmallows were made.  That’s not exactly what happened here.  I used Martha Stewart’s marshmallow recipe, and while the result I got is indeed a marshmallow, I don’t think I would use this again.  I feel somewhere along the way I needed more water or less gelatin.  They are tougher than I would like.

Hmmm...not easy to get marshmallow out of whisk beater.

They do include my new obsession! Vanilla bean paste so you can see seed specks!

Marshmallows!

My kitchen is covered in powdered sugar.

Buttermilk nutmeg scones for breakfast - with real nutmeg

Have you used real nutmeg before?  It’s beautiful on the inside, it has a swirly pattern.  And I had eggnog for breakfast with my scone with more fresh nutmeg grated on top of that.

Nutmeg

After all of this I watched a bit of the Disney Christmas parade.  Then I turned on Lifetime for bad Lifetime Christmas movies.  Guilty pleasure.  Then it was off to grandma’s for Christmas, part 3.

Today I did take a few pictures of what my place looks like at Christmas time.  I’ll change my table setting up in a couple of days to get ready for a couple of friends coming over on New Year’s Eve.  I love having my table set throughout the year, but especially at Christmas.

Chargers, Christmas China and mismatched glasses

Place cards, sort of.

Years ago my grandmother got me these ornament place card holders, which I love.  I rarely have parties where place cards are required.  I was in Paper Source one year and saw 25 cards with holiday words on them, designed to be used in a scrapbook.  They were perfect!  So, now my table is set for “celebrate”, “peace”, “magic”, “generosity” and such.

This year the only Christmas tree I put up was the artificial white tree I bought years ago to be the Disney Tree.  I was hesitant to put up a real tree because of Oliver the kitten.  I don’t care that much if he destroyed the $30 Wal-Mart tree I bought years ago.  Which, consequently, he has.  Artificial tree limbs do not take the weight of a growing kitten.

how many Cinderella references can you find in this picture alone?

I only put non breakable ornaments on it.  It’s not the prettiest tree I’ve ever had, but it’s functional and has plenty of Disney character.  I didn’t get out my heirloom ornaments either.  Just a few of the toy like Disney ones.

..some of my favorite word ornaments...

And there you have it – Christmas is over.  I’m going to spend today monitoring Quinn, who came home last night, and watching the final 2 Harry Potter movies!  My dear friend and former roommate Meg sent me one of the best Christmas presents this year – all 8 Harry Potter movies and some chocolate frogs!

Harry Potter year!

I’m so happy to be wrapping up the holidays and 2011.  2012 has such exciting prospects!

Must go make hot chocolate to watch movies.  And dunk one of my marshmallows in it.