(First, let’s catch up: I settled in a soulless apartment in Columbus, job is great- in fact today my boss told me he was expanding my responsibilities, haven’t seen much of the city or met anyone new due to school and D – and that’s where we begin our story…)
The links above are various Grad School recaps from the residency weekends. I suppose, technically, this all started here. Where I was accepted into a program that required me to fly to Toledo, OH once a month. I get asked all the time why and how I chose this program, and honestly I cannot remember. And really, that doesn’t matter. What matters is how much I can noticeably see the change in me in the last 18 months. What matters is that I started and finished something. What matters is that I did this all on my own and all for myself. What matters is that it was a wonderful experience where I have met people I hope to know a lifetime. Some are almost family (seriously, one gentleman in the program reminds me of my dad SO MUCH and now I know what it would be like to go drinking with my dad).
Walking into class for the last time Friday night I was anxious. The Professor looked around the room, acknowledging the mixed emotions and simply asked, “Ready?”. Most nodded their heads or responded her word. I shook my head and responded, Not Ready.
The beauty of going away for grad school weekends is I was immersed in the program. I was out of my state, away from my apartment, my job knew not to call me during those weekends – they were my time and I treasured that. That would end. I don’t have a once a month getaway to a place where people think I’m smart and creative. Where I can learn new things and collaborate in a controlled environment.
The good news is that Saturday night was such a disaster that I became ready for Sunday to arrive. Yes, a sub-plot to the grad school wrap up – let’s call it Single Again.
Yes. Saturday night. After a great day of class, after a stellar review from our professor on a giant project, after I worked hard on a significant part of that project, after the whole class was celebrated at a happy hour party, after I gave some great advice to the cohort that is a year behind us… I got dumped.
It really takes something for me to go on a two month writing hiatus. I love nothing more than talking about myself to mostly complete strangers, after all. I have always been this way – not wanting to write when it was things I don’t want to admit. For the last two months, I didn’t want to admit that while I loved this man, I did not love the way our relationship was working. And I did not want to admit that our relationship was working poorly because I just wan’t the gal for him. I knew these things. I felt these things. I did not want to say these things out loud. So, I didn’t write. Perhaps I should have addressed them, in blog and real life. Perhaps that would have led to us each being kind of stressed about this for the last couple of months. And being stressed about it just caused me to be edgy, crabby and not at all myself. I have been trying to get him to admit this isn’t for him – he just needed to get there. Why didn’t I end it? He makes me laugh. And I liked the way he wrapped an arm around me as we fell asleep. And that he teased me about how I cut his grass. And that he let me help tile his kitchen. But I knew he didn’t love me.
So, while break ups are no fun, I’m not all that surprised by this one. While I wish it was really the case that opposites attract, I’m not sure we would have had enough to sustain a long term relationship. Plus, I’ve been lonely. And there is nothing worse than feeling lonely while in a relationship. I’ve never noticed this before, and maybe this is a sign of getting older and wiser, but there is something very honest about a break up. I appreciate the honesty.
I’m ok. Dating is trying people on and seeing if they fit. D was my favorite classmate before we gave a romantic relationship a try and it just didn’t work. Considering my ex-husband is one of my very best friends, I’m certainly of the persuasion that people can be friends with exes, as long as there were friend qualities to begin with. (Why Adam Science and I will never be friends – because we weren’t ever friends.) So, here’s hoping that the wonderful man I got to know as more than just a favorite classmate and I will still be friends. I make a really excellent friend.
But – back to the grad school weekend – it made it much easier to be ready for it to end Sunday. The break up was indicative of a larger ending – and new beginnings.
So, in the end, this wrap up could have been called, Things that made me sad, actually made me happy. End of school, breaking up… parts of those are really sad…but I get to take the very best parts of those things and move forward. And I’ll fail even better next time.
And holy heck did writing about them feel good.
Back soon, friends.