Category Archives: Sarah

Have you heard the one about my ex-husband?

Posted by sarah3030 in Happy, heavy, My story continues, relationships, Sarah and tagged with , ,

Before getting my own divorce, I didn’t have a lot of exposure to divorce.  Ex Husband’s parents divorced when he was a teenager.  He was really surprised by it.  Having only known them apart and never as a couple, I was surprised they could have ever been together.  You can’t imagine two more different people.  Ex Husband says they became their own people after separating.  His mom became a Presbyterian minister and his father became a dirty old hedonist.  Seriously, how had they ever been together?!  Knowing them apart I couldn’t imagine them together.

As this is my blog and not Ex Husband’s I haven’t mentioned the crazy life change he made last fall.  He left his big job that paid big money and fed his big ego.  He did so fairly suddenly.  I remember walking through the park with him one day last fall and he told me he was quitting his job.  As the Ex Husband I knew valued money and prestige above all else (including the marriage, was my perception), this was a surprise.  He didn’t have other plans, was just quitting.  It came to be that he started to make art with LEGO’s(TM).  Portraits to be more specific.  You can go here and see for yourself.  He called the business Year of Creation and said he was trying to find ways to say Yes instead of No.  Commendable.

Tonight he had a piece at an art gallery opening.  A giant LEGO (TM) picture that was a replica of the local burlesque festival’s logo.  I stopped by to see it.  Support what I think are his positive life changes.  Be proud of how he’s finding himself.  And wondering if all divorced couples are as he described his parents – only able to find themselves after leaving each other?  Had we stayed together would he have made this move?  Or would we have continued down a path of bigger jobs and bigger houses?  Would I be in grad school?  When he told me he was quitting last fall he told me he was in a place that I was years ago – the place that said stop doing something if it doesn’t fulfill you.  Oddly enough that fulfilling path is leading me back what I hope are bigger jobs and bigger opportunity (and if a bigger paycheck comes with those – that’s cool too), while his is taking him down the path of creativity.  Would I have found Zumba and learned to like vegetarian food?

There were always two sides to Ex Husband.  We used to work together and our colleagues were always surprised when they found out we were dating, or married.  They would ask how people so different could be together.  I never really bothered explaining that the guy I knew was very different than the Finance Director they knew.   Artist Ex Husband is a lot like the other side of the work guy.  The guy who told animated stories and liked to entertain his friends (he has the greatest friends!) and played badminton in the backyard with me and when I get excited and tell a story I do this weird jogging in place thing and he used to mimic me doing that as I told the story so we were both jogging in place in our kitchen while we had a conversation.  We used to play Uno and Scrabble and Catchphrase.  He was fun.  And I’m glad he’s like that more.  I’m glad Work Ex Husband didn’t win.

 

In other news, I bought a piece of art tonight.  Man, I love to buy art.  This was probably the most affordable piece at the show (seriously, it was $75.  I spent more at Target the other day on cat food, vitamins and other nonsense.  Worth it.).  It’s a piece for the boudoir.   That sounds weird, right?  I have a cousin Anna, whose aunt on the other side bought her this line drawing of a mostly  naked woman a few years ago for her birthday.  Anna says: What am I supposed to do with this?  Aunt says: Everyone should have art for the boudoir.  This stayed with me.  Mostly because I lived with Anna for a while and the piece was hung in her bedroom and I saw it all the time.  This piece is kind of like that.  I’ll post a pic when I get it from the gallery in a few weeks.  It’s a little saucy, but just perfect for my bedroom while it’s still a lady only bedroom.  I imagine someday I’ll share a room with some fella and I’ll tuck this picture away in my walk in closet or bathroom or someplace only I can see it, but until then, my saucy lady and I are together against the world.

Team in Training

Posted by sarah3030 in running, Sarah, work it out and tagged with ,

I’ll run because I can.

When my classmate told me about Team in Training I just knew it was a right time, right place, right organization moment.

I want to finish what I set out to do and I like the accountability this program will give me.  Even better, I like that there’s a higher purpose than just accessorizing, which was pretty much my goal with the Disney Princess 1/2 marathon plan.  In order to be a part of Team in Training you have to raise money, and not an insignificant amount.  For me, the goal is $2000.

I’m proud of the work the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS) does with the money raised.  This program really does benefit me, the runner, and the LLS.  I’ll get running coaches and work outs designed for me and join the Team in Training group at the Rock ‘n’ Roll 1/2 marathon in October as a participant.  They’ll get money raised.  75% of all funds raised go directly to their mission of providing benefits and research.  The St. Louis chapter alone:

  • contributed $133,800 in financial aid to patients
  • Provided co-pay assistance of $805,168
  • Served over 5000 patients and families with financial support, education and support groups
  • Provided school curriculum/orientation for children transitioning back to the classroom in over 530 schools

I have some fun fundraising ideas – of course I’ll share them and their results here.

I encourage you to visit my fundraising page.  I’ll update it regularly also.  If you’re in a position to donate, that will always be welcome.  If you have a company that matches donations, please think about going to your HR office and filling out that paperwork.

I’m really looking forward to this process and creating a team environment within the larger Team in Training group. I want to keep those who donate involved.  If there is someone a donor has lost due to cancer of any kind, if they want to share that with me and donate in honor of them, I’ll add them to my list of who I’m running for.  Any and all cheering squad members are invited out to the marathon in October as well.

Self assessment overload

Posted by sarah3030 in Sarah, My story continues, Grad School and tagged with , , , , ,

Tonight’s medicine induced post is brought to you by Nyquil and Excedrin migraine.

I just got home from a grad school weekend at Bowling Green.  These are exhausting weekends that often leave me wondering if I can hack this for 18 months.  Can I hack the schedule – flying to Toledo once a month?  Can I hack the workload when I really want to do well at work and keep trying to run and have a tiny bit of a life?  Can I hack being smart enough for this program?  Self directed learning is new and it’s up to me to interpret so much more of the text reading than I was expecting.

I started my 2nd class, Organizational Behavior.  I’ll save you my thoughts on the professor for this class and what I thought was one of my best responses to a question ever, and I’ll get to the multiple self assessments I took this past weekend.  Argh.  I just don’t know myself at all.  Let’s review:

My most recent Disc Profile classified me as a high I, high D.  This means I’m influential, prioritize taking action, disinterested in organization and fearful of being ignored.  I put a lot of faith in Disc profile as team builder.  I don’t think the big takeaway in Disc is knowing about yourself, but knowing how you can be perceived by others and knowing what colleagues may need to work with you most successfully.  The goal is not to change yourself when you work with different types, but to adapt your behavior and approach.  What’s most interesting about the Disc profile is that if you ask me, I’m an S.  Steady, follows a plan, doesn’t love unplanned change.

Next up, the Philosophical Orientation Questionnaire, or POQ, (Boyatzis, 1992) plots my responses on a graph measuring my value orientation in Pragmatic, Intellectual and Human categories.  (I just cited a source in my own blog.  This is grad school’s effect on me.)  I scored 70th percentile for Intellectual and, surprising to me at first but then making sense, 50th percentile in pragmatic.  Only 30th percentile in Human.  I hate people, apparently.  Not really, here’s what this means, “With a dominant intellectual value orientation, a person will tend to determine the worthiness of an activity in terms of its conceptual contribution to understanding something.  creating a cognitive map, or a framework describing what we know about something, is at the heart of this value orientation.  There is a tendency to use abstract and symbolic variables to understand, describe, or explore a phenomena.  The central issue underlying a dominant intellectual value orientation is an analytic concern.”   Okay, I can perceive my ability to use abstract variables.  I think.  The rest of it sounds like mumbo jumbo.  I do not think an intellectual would say mumbo jumbo.  I do see my pragmatic side coming out more as I get older, wiser.  ”…a person will tend to determine the worthiness of an activity in terms of its measurable utility toward desired ends, or objectives.”  It’s true, if I don’t see the means getting me to the end, I dig my heels in some.  I’m less about having fun lately, more about getting the results.  Ok… moving on…

Meyers Briggs declares I am an ENTJ; “the leaders who take charge, provide structure and drive a group forward.  They are impatient with things that don’t contribute to achieving the goal…”  In line with my pragmatism and Disc profile, I’m getting a picture that I like to take charge.  But I don’t actually want to be in charge.  I’m just impatient.  I like to facilitate moving forward, but I don’t want to be the boss.  I know that much for sure.  I’d actually much rather follow someone else’s really good plan, as long as I deem it a really good plan…

And I pause here to ponder, if I’m sooooo good at driving people towards goals, why can’t I drive myself there?  Why do I freak out at 1/2 marathon training plans or finishing homework or any of the other things I feel I’ve bailed on?  Do I need to better define my goals so I can push myself towards them?

Lastly, the FIRO-B.  I had not heard of this one before.  It measures both your output and your desire for Inclusion, Control and Affection/openness.  If the POQ showed me I hate people, the FIRO-B showed me I’m going to die alone.  It boils down to I want other people to feel included and I do a good job of ensuring people feel welcome.  I don’t give a rat’s pitootie if I’m ever invited to the party.  Seriously, my score was 0 on that one.  I get that – I don’t draw my self confidence and esteem from being invited out as much as I may have in the past.  I’m pretty secure in my alone-ness.  Did that happen in Chicago?  Post Chicago?  Just comes from being self reliant?  Eh, whatever it is, I’m buying that one.  The next one says I both want to assume leadership and exert influence, at the same time I need others to assume followership roles and be open to my influence.  This is the one I struggle with, just like the Disc Profile high D bit.  The last one wigs me out.  I think of myself as a person who craves affection.  I want to be taken care of – not in a victim way – but in a supportive-I-can-relax-and-let-someone-in-while-I-lean-on-them way.  I crave physical affection and have a huge desire for people to get me.  Survey says: I express to others that I care about them (and only nominally), while what I need or want from others is distance and I’m disinterested in being on the receiving end of friendship.  Yikes!  And yet…

I don’t care that much about most people’s lives….

Except that I love to talk to strangers…

And I’ve hosted couch surfers….

And I keep up with 50 blogs written by complete strangers to me, yet I’d love to meet most of the bloggers I read…

But I am annoyed easily by dippy co-workers and irritating co-students…

I’m conflicted.

I think it’s time for me to embrace some of these assessments.  I clearly have an influential leadership streak in me.  Perhaps if i stopped suppressing it I could reach a fuller potential for myself?  I used to be charming and likable, mostly I feel annoyed and jerky lately.

Maybe it’s because I live in a state of mostly exhausted.

Bedtime.

 

The New Year is here

Posted by sarah3030 in blogging, friends, growth, running, Sarah, The job. and tagged with , , ,

I don’t have any resolutions to share.

I am proud of myself for not waiting for this new year to put into place the things I wanted to happen.  I applied and was accepted to grad school when I had no idea how I was going to pay for it.  But thousands of people figure out how to pay for it, right?  I knew I would too.  I didn’t wait for this year to start to begin my longest half marathon training process ever, I ran my first 5K a couple of weeks ago.  I didn’t sit around and collect unemployment and wait for a job to fall in my lap.  I took on my random part time jobs where I met new people, learned new things and got out of the house, even though the combined total from those two part time jobs was never more than an unemployment check was.  My friend Claire likes to point out that I was essentially volunteering during this time because I still got partial unemployment during that time.

I have a “word” for 2012.  It’s FOCUS.  I have three big undertakings in 2012, things I began in 2011 and are only going to get more intense:

  1. Disney Princess half marathon training for Feb ’13  (I know – longest training process ever.  I know.)
  2. New job.  As a corporate trainer that has just moved to an entirely new industry (casinos to groceries) I know there is much to learn on top of a very rigorous training schedule.
  3. Grad school.  So much reading!  I’ve always been smart, but I’ve never been an exceptional student.  Creating good study habits is going to be a challenge.

Making time for all of these things in addition to life getting in the way is going to be my challenge.  Therefore, I choose to FOCUS this year.  So, instead of creating a list of lofty goals and books to read and instruments to tackle – I’ll FOCUS on these and see what else happens.

This new year snuck in.  I’ve been sicker this week than I can remember being in a long time.  I’m fortunate to never have sinus or allergy issues.  I’m experiencing my first sinus infection and it is wiping me out.  From a couple of days before New Years Eve until last night I was pretty much bed bound.  I had a few friends over for New Years Eve, but even they were out by 10pm.  I was even driven to purchase and experiment with a Neti Pot for the first time.  I have a few friends who swear by them and I will admit I felt relief after using it.  Also glad I live alone while using it.  Least sexy thing ever, I imagine.

Happy New Year to all of you.  I’m excited to enter this year with intent and purpose.  And a place to share it all.

Simple things

Posted by sarah3030 in growth, Happy, My story continues, Sarah, work it out and tagged with , , ,

If you’ve known me for even a minute, you may know that I go back and forth on wanting to be a runner.  It’s something I want to say about myself.  That I run.  It’s how I want to see a new city, to go for an early morning job.  I want one of those widgets on the side of my blog that tracks how many miles a week I run.  And after watching the marathon, I want to run for the accessories, like running skirts.

Here’s what my ultimate running goal is: The Disney Princess 1/2 marathon.  Yes.  I first heard about it just last year.  With the year this was, dedicating myself to training for it did not take priority.  But I want to do it.  I want to be a part of this experience.  I want the tiara shaped medal you get.  And just LOOK at this video…

Check out these fun outfits!!  Last night I was on the treadmill and the thought that got me through the workout was how to fashion a tiara to a headband that will keep my hair out of my face.  Hey, you have your motivation, I have mine.

I clearly won’t be ready for the 2012 race.  So, this is a 2013 goal.  Which is perfect in another way.  Disney World is adding and expanding the Fantasyland section of the Magic Kingdom and all updates should be done by then!  I see 1/2 marathon and Disney vacation in my (year away!) future.

More things making me happy right now – Newsies is coming to Broadway!  Newsies is a live action Disney musical about newsboys in 1899.  I have loved it since 8th grade.  It’s where my true love for Christian Bale began.  And it’s coming to Broadway!!  I’ve already contacted my East Coast friends – I’ll meet them there in April!

"Dis is for da Newsies!"

 

I love that butternut squash is in season.  I love that it’s so chilly at night and my cat Quinn is extra cuddly.  I love that it’s fall movie season and I have plenty of free time right now to see all the ones I want.  I love that my friend Claire told me it’s not that I have quit things in the past, it’s that I picked the wrong thing to begin with.  I love the song that plays on the Lowe’s commercial right now (Home..is where you are..you can come home to me..).

Mostly, though, I love that I can dress up like Tinkerbell to run a race….stay tuned for progress.  I feel good about this.

 

Last night on my mind

Posted by sarah3030 in Crazy., My story continues, Sarah and tagged with , ,

Last night’s post is still on my mind.

I will say that sometimes I think a private journal may be a more appropriate outlet for some of the thoughts I have.  Perhaps last night was one of those times.  I don’t know, and maybe I don’t care.  I do know that it felt good to write down what I’m thinking.  I believe that for myself, things aren’t real until they are written.  Rather than continue on with Fear & Self Loathing in St. Louis in silence, I wrote it down.

With all of that still top of mind for me this article presented itself to me this morning and it ended with this:

Your unresolved stories are sick. More specifically — they’re making you sick.

Unresolved stories are like ancient poison. Not enough to kill you. Just enough to numb out your potential.

What’s your broken-record track?
What’s the ancient spiel your best friend or partner have long-since learned to tune out?
What’s the New Year’s resolution that garners a recurring spot, every year?
What’s gone on so long, it’s laughable? Ridiculous? Supremely unacceptable?

And what’s it going to take to tear that old story outta the book of your life, with a violent riiiii-iiiip?

Right off. Yeowch. Like a band-aid. It’s time. And a half.

I do wish the article ended with some more solid steps to break the cycle.  I’m looking forward to health insurance again when I can resume meetings with my favorite therapist.  She was incredibly helpful in resolving my ex-husband anger/hurt issues.  I look forward to seeing what she can do with this.  What ultimately I’ll do about this.  About what the article called supremely unacceptable.

I’m off to do some dishes.  I can finish that.

Stream of conscious + gin & tonic = the following

Posted by sarah3030 in Cat, Crazy., growth, heavy, My story continues, Sarah and tagged with , , ,

I have to be the best at weird things.  One of the part time jobs I’m working is a kitchen assistant.  I do a lot of dishes in this job. A lot of backing up the chef.  I have a strong desire to be the best and most requested back up.  I need them to like me and think I’m competent and awesome.  This is ironic because I’m not the best at it.  My own kitchen is so messy.  I also have to be the best at typing.  Even though I know I’m not ultimately the best typist in the world, I am the best typist of the people I know.  That’s enough for me right now.

This is what I look like right now.  I’m in bed.  I’m watching Say Yes to the Dress.  I have an orange tabby cat in my lap.  This particular orange tabby cat has figured out how to take his collar off and has done it no less than 4 times today.  Right now, I have no idea where the collar is.  I know where it isn’t – on his neck.  Oh, Oliver.

I have almost no follow through.  This is constantly on my mind.  I don’t finish anything.  I’m surprised I finished that last sentence.  The list of things I think are a good idea and then disregard is long and frightening.  What is wrong with my brain?  Or my willpower?  Or my dedication?  Or my conviction?  What is it?  Do I feel I’m not worth finishing?  Am I waiting for something?  Do I have a fear of disappointing myself?  Someone else?  Am I waiting for someone to finish things with me?

Along those lines, I’ve decided I have abandonment and trust issues.  From dad dying?  From boyfriends dumping me?  From husbands thinking I wasn’t worth sticking it out with?  From cats spurning the collars I gave them? Is this internal?  Isn’t it a classic syndrome – keep people at arms length so they can’t hurt you?  Didn’t Stephanie Tanner do that in an episode of Full House in 1989?

What is wrong with me?  How do I learn to embrace a goal and to see it to fruition?  I used to be unstoppable.  Lately I feel full of hot air.  I explode and I’m left with scraps around me.  I used to be unstoppable.

When will I put myself first?  I would go to extraordinary lengths to complete a task for someone else, to throw them the best party, or be there when they needed me.  Why won’t I be there for myself?

How do you make a plan for the day and stick to it?  How do I become more accountable to myself?  This is all I can think about lately, so here it is live and on the blog.  I’ve been scared to post new things I’m interested in just to not finish them, again & publicly.

I’m off to start a new book that will eventually sit on my nightstand with a bookmark 2/3 through it.  While I read I’m going to watch a movie that I will fall asleep during.  All the while abandoning a game of Scrabble I have half finished on my iphone.

Oh dear.

 

 

How Birthday was done

Posted by sarah3030 in My story continues, Sarah and tagged with

My own personal new year has begun.  My requests for low key birthday were all met and very appreciated.  I know I’m very lucky that there are people who want to celebrate with me.   And celebrate we did, just in a smaller way.

My friend Angela kicked off birthday festivities by taking me to get a pedicure.  It was much needed and really a perfect gift and outing.

Don't they look nice?

Birthday Eve included Zumba class with my favorite instructor, lunch with my ex-brother and sister in law (I always liked them!  It’s a terrible fact of divorce that you end up leaving friends or family you enjoyed behind) and dinner with my friend Renee.  Renee and I went to restaurant called the Bleeding Deacon in town.  It is a complete dive bar that has some of the most amazing food, including a good selection of vegetarian options.  They also have a Green Goddess dressing that is so delicious.  It is not the typical creamy kind, it’s a blend of fresh herbs and olive oil.  Over a simple side salad it is perfection.  Hmmm. I may have to go for lunch again this week and really focus on how to make the dressing.

Just after lunch I stopped by a St. Louis institution that I had never been to – Merb’s Candies.  Merb’s is most known for something called the Bionic Apple.  A huge apple dipped in thick, gooey caramel and coated in pecans.  Can you picture it?  You don’t need to – I pictured it for you -

Do you see this goodness?

Look at how thick this caramel is!

It's not a snack, it's a meal.

Actually Birthday started with a mini boot camp workout led by Angela (pedi friend).  She shows up to my house at 7:30am with, “Happy Birthday.  Too bad all I brought you was pain.”  And indeed, it was painful.  That girl can plank like nobodies business.  After that I met with everyone’s favorite chocolatier to see what kind of special events he needed me to cover for the shop in October.  He informed me that they were short a few employees now and headed into their busiest season and would I like to work in the shop a few hours a week.  Of course I would!  I’m officially a Kakao Chocolate employee and it feels good.  I won’t be making any of the confections, I’ll be packaging and customer service.  I love it.

Once that was settled I met Claire for lunch at Chava’s – a great Mexican place in the Soulard neighborhood.  Mexican food is my favorite and lunch was perfect.  How is Mexican food ever a bad idea?  Side note about what I ordered there: fish tacos.  Before Meg moved out she took me to a place called Tortillaria because she believes they have the best fish tacos in St. Louis.  They were very good.  AND very affordable if you make it there during happy hour.  Usually at Chava’s I get enchiladas.  On my birthday, I thought I’d compare my recent Tortillaria fish tacos with Chava’s fish tacos.  Tortillaria maintains it’s best in St. Louis fish taco.  I think it’s the spicy sour cream they use.  Also, that there’s no cheese on them. I prefer no cheese on a fish taco.

After lunch I ran a quick errand and ended up back at home to watch this week’s Project Runway.  I also had a fun birthday box to open from my friend Cyndi!  It was an incredibly thoughtful collection of presents.

Birthday treats in a box!

I know it’s hard to see all of the elements.  Birthday treats included new notecards and some really fun cupcake papers and toppers.  Both very cute things that go with things I love – writing a handwritten note and baking!  The third item is in the gold envelope in the back.  It’s a necklace from Dogeared.  If you’re not familiar with Dogeared, they have all kinds of “feel good” jewelry.  Often the pieces have a story or a good feeling attached to them, like Karma, peace, etc.  I always browse their site when I’m in the mood for new simple and signature pieces, but have a hard time deciding which one I like the best.  Cyndi made it easy by sending me one that signified New Beginnings.  It’s a delicate gold lotus flower charm.  I’m thrilled to have it and I haven’t taken it off since.  I don’t wear a lot of gold jewelry – but perhaps that’s something I’ll do now that I’m 32.

I met my sister Emilie for dinner at our favorite Indian food restaurant where we had dinner, conversation about the new tv shows that have debuted so far this fall, gossiped about people we know and she gave me the latest season of How I Met Your Mother!   It was a fairly early night and I was very happy to come straight home, pour a glass of wine and begin watching this particular present.

All in all, the day was simple and lovely, full of the people I care about the most.  That’s a birthday.  Until next year.  Perhaps I’ll want the hoopla back and the month of birthday festivities.  We shall see.  I can’t think about that yet, I’m thinking about how to make this year count.

Happy Birthday to me.