Monthly Archives: February 2012

Self assessment overload

Posted by sarah3030 in Grad School, My story continues, Sarah and tagged with , , , , ,

Tonight’s medicine induced post is brought to you by Nyquil and Excedrin migraine.

I just got home from a grad school weekend at Bowling Green.  These are exhausting weekends that often leave me wondering if I can hack this for 18 months.  Can I hack the schedule – flying to Toledo once a month?  Can I hack the workload when I really want to do well at work and keep trying to run and have a tiny bit of a life?  Can I hack being smart enough for this program?  Self directed learning is new and it’s up to me to interpret so much more of the text reading than I was expecting.

I started my 2nd class, Organizational Behavior.  I’ll save you my thoughts on the professor for this class and what I thought was one of my best responses to a question ever, and I’ll get to the multiple self assessments I took this past weekend.  Argh.  I just don’t know myself at all.  Let’s review:

My most recent Disc Profile classified me as a high I, high D.  This means I’m influential, prioritize taking action, disinterested in organization and fearful of being ignored.  I put a lot of faith in Disc profile as team builder.  I don’t think the big takeaway in Disc is knowing about yourself, but knowing how you can be perceived by others and knowing what colleagues may need to work with you most successfully.  The goal is not to change yourself when you work with different types, but to adapt your behavior and approach.  What’s most interesting about the Disc profile is that if you ask me, I’m an S.  Steady, follows a plan, doesn’t love unplanned change.

Next up, the Philosophical Orientation Questionnaire, or POQ, (Boyatzis, 1992) plots my responses on a graph measuring my value orientation in Pragmatic, Intellectual and Human categories.  (I just cited a source in my own blog.  This is grad school’s effect on me.)  I scored 70th percentile for Intellectual and, surprising to me at first but then making sense, 50th percentile in pragmatic.  Only 30th percentile in Human.  I hate people, apparently.  Not really, here’s what this means, “With a dominant intellectual value orientation, a person will tend to determine the worthiness of an activity in terms of its conceptual contribution to understanding something.  creating a cognitive map, or a framework describing what we know about something, is at the heart of this value orientation.  There is a tendency to use abstract and symbolic variables to understand, describe, or explore a phenomena.  The central issue underlying a dominant intellectual value orientation is an analytic concern.”   Okay, I can perceive my ability to use abstract variables.  I think.  The rest of it sounds like mumbo jumbo.  I do not think an intellectual would say mumbo jumbo.  I do see my pragmatic side coming out more as I get older, wiser.  ”…a person will tend to determine the worthiness of an activity in terms of its measurable utility toward desired ends, or objectives.”  It’s true, if I don’t see the means getting me to the end, I dig my heels in some.  I’m less about having fun lately, more about getting the results.  Ok… moving on…

Meyers Briggs declares I am an ENTJ; “the leaders who take charge, provide structure and drive a group forward.  They are impatient with things that don’t contribute to achieving the goal…”  In line with my pragmatism and Disc profile, I’m getting a picture that I like to take charge.  But I don’t actually want to be in charge.  I’m just impatient.  I like to facilitate moving forward, but I don’t want to be the boss.  I know that much for sure.  I’d actually much rather follow someone else’s really good plan, as long as I deem it a really good plan…

And I pause here to ponder, if I’m sooooo good at driving people towards goals, why can’t I drive myself there?  Why do I freak out at 1/2 marathon training plans or finishing homework or any of the other things I feel I’ve bailed on?  Do I need to better define my goals so I can push myself towards them?

Lastly, the FIRO-B.  I had not heard of this one before.  It measures both your output and your desire for Inclusion, Control and Affection/openness.  If the POQ showed me I hate people, the FIRO-B showed me I’m going to die alone.  It boils down to I want other people to feel included and I do a good job of ensuring people feel welcome.  I don’t give a rat’s pitootie if I’m ever invited to the party.  Seriously, my score was 0 on that one.  I get that – I don’t draw my self confidence and esteem from being invited out as much as I may have in the past.  I’m pretty secure in my alone-ness.  Did that happen in Chicago?  Post Chicago?  Just comes from being self reliant?  Eh, whatever it is, I’m buying that one.  The next one says I both want to assume leadership and exert influence, at the same time I need others to assume followership roles and be open to my influence.  This is the one I struggle with, just like the Disc Profile high D bit.  The last one wigs me out.  I think of myself as a person who craves affection.  I want to be taken care of – not in a victim way – but in a supportive-I-can-relax-and-let-someone-in-while-I-lean-on-them way.  I crave physical affection and have a huge desire for people to get me.  Survey says: I express to others that I care about them (and only nominally), while what I need or want from others is distance and I’m disinterested in being on the receiving end of friendship.  Yikes!  And yet…

I don’t care that much about most people’s lives….

Except that I love to talk to strangers…

And I’ve hosted couch surfers….

And I keep up with 50 blogs written by complete strangers to me, yet I’d love to meet most of the bloggers I read…

But I am annoyed easily by dippy co-workers and irritating co-students…

I’m conflicted.

I think it’s time for me to embrace some of these assessments.  I clearly have an influential leadership streak in me.  Perhaps if i stopped suppressing it I could reach a fuller potential for myself?  I used to be charming and likable, mostly I feel annoyed and jerky lately.

Maybe it’s because I live in a state of mostly exhausted.

Bedtime.

 

I will not let _____ get the best of me.

Posted by sarah3030 in growth and tagged with , , ,

Take your pick…

I will not let FEBRUARY get the best of me.  It was the first full month of grad school, new job, the little bit of social life I have with Gentleman Friend and finding time for a run or two.  Wow, I’m a bad time manager.  I know that there is enough time in the day, I need to get better at using it wisely.

I will not let GROUP PROJECTS get the best of me.  They are not going away.  I have 17 more months of grad school group projects.  Rather than get frustrated with them, I need to figure out how to work more effectively.  The biggest takeaway from this month was a better use of available technology.  Also learned: create timelines up front and routine live check ins either on the phone, Skype, web, etc…  I need to learn to work within the parameters.

I will not let TSA get the best of me.  I fly to Toledo, Ohio once a month for grad school weekends.  The St. Louis airport has 4 security lanes.  One of them has the scanner you stand in and it swirls around you, the other three are regular walk through lanes.  The scanner lane takes 4x as long to get through!  I will not be caught in that trap again.


I will not let GOOGLE MAPS get the best of me.  In both my January and February trips to Ohio I actually flew to Detroit and drive down to Bowling Green for school.  Each time I’ve made the drive Google Maps has encouraged me to take a slight right on 23 N/ 475 N.  Each time this has been wrong.  I see my little blue dot veering off the course of the blue line I’m supposed to be in.  Next time, Google Maps, I’ll stay on 75 S thank you, very much!

A year from now…

Posted by sarah3030 in Cat, food, Groceries, My story continues, Oliver, running, work and tagged with , , ,

The Disney Princess half marathon is this weekend at Disney World.  My goal is to run it next year.  Considering my December 5K time and February 5K time were about the same, I should probably start thinking about adding time or mileage or speed.  A year from now I’ll have a blue tutu and a running skirt and I’m thinking some white “arm warmers“.

A year from now…

What else will happen in that year?  In this last year I lost a job, started a job, ended a relationship, forgave an ex husband, went to London and Paris, found a great therapist, decided to go to grad school and was accepted, made two trips to NYC, threw a rockin’ baby shower…

It’s been so easy to look back and think I didn’t do anything of substance, but this past year was a big one.  This one to come will be too.  And it will culminate with me in running 13.1 miles through a castle wearing a sparkly headband.

Writing that paragraph above makes me think about what trips I want to take next.  I am going to NYC again in April to see Newsies on Broadway.  Will there be a big trip?  Several small ones?  I’m determined to see one new place a year from now on.  Whether that is Seattle or Spain, I do not know.

Let me bring things to a more local level.  Enough with the big plans.

Working in a grocery store makes me hungry all the time.  What I’m making for dinner, or could be having for breakfast, or ingredients I should have on hand is all I can think about.

I bought the cats an automatic cat food feeder.  My schedule varies so much now and traveling to school once a month and an occasional work trip stressed me out.  I am amazed by people who can feed multiple children and still get themselves out of the house in a timely fashion.  There are days I’ll be ready to go and then remember I have to feed the cats!  Oh my gosh!  That’s a 20 second task that will somehow always be the reason I’m late.  Also, I really wanted Oliver to stop bothering me at 6am.  I have it set to dispense food at 6am and 6pm.  The funniest thing that happens in this apartment (this week anyway) is Oliver sprinting for the feeder when he hears the food drop.  That cat is a good eater.

I finally read the Walt Disney biography (by Neal Gabler) that I got for Christmas or a birthday or something years ago.  I used it as a leadership book assignment (I don’t think you’re supposed to call them book reports in grad school, but it’s a book report).  Technically, I didn’t read it.  I bought the audio book to listen to in my car.  I have a half hour commute each way minimum each day.  That’s an hour a day of reading.  Good thing to.  The book is 26 discs, totaling 38 hours of listening time.  But it’s really magical to read.  It took 5 years to make Snow White!  It was truly revolutionary in the animation world.  Don’t get me started on how amazing Disneyland was and how Walt was so involved in every detail and how he wanted it to be so nice for families.

This weekend is grad school weekend.  I think I’m going to the BG hockey game Saturday night up there.  Hockey must be a big deal there.  The class is going.  Sometimes I have to force myself to do social things.  This might be a good networking opportunity.  MBA faculty and students will also be there.

And after all, who knows where I’ll be in a year and who I might need to know…

The case of Road v. Treadmill

Posted by sarah3030 in Uncategorized

I ran a race yesterday.  My second timed 5K since I’ve been dedicated to training.  I did okay.  My last 5K was 34:30.  That was back in December.  Yesterday morning (in 20 degree weather, might I add!) I ran another one.  I was feeling really good prior to the race.  I had some great treadmill runs in, was feeling very confident and capable.  I was proud I was going to run with the weather so chilly, old less dedicated Sarah would not have done that.  I had my sparkly headband on to remind me of why I’m doing all of this – Disney Princess half marathon.  I also had something else with me yesterday morning.  A gentleman friend.

Gentleman Friend is a skilled and knowledgable runner.

Race shirt and rhinestone headband!

I have been too intimidated to run with him until yesterday.  I thought it would be a nice morning – a Valentine’s Day themed run where couples were encouraged.  And he could start to see the progress I was making.  But I was stressed about it.  I’m a recovering chubs who is a total beginner runner.  Gentleman Friend is tall and lean and sexy.

My running looks like this right now: YMCA, treadmill, 5 minute warm up, run 20 minutes at 6 mph, walk 3 minutes, Tabata drills at 7.5 or 8.0 mph, cool down.  Few stretches.  Done.

Gentleman Friend’s running is of course, much different.  There is warm up running measured in meters, stretching, drills, and then there’s the run and then there’s the post stretching.

I kind of freaked out.  I am not a confident runner.  I’m scared of looking like the least sexy fool ever in front of the man I want to see me as a sexy, confident person.  I felt like if I ran the mile warm up (or approximately 1600 meters) I would not be able to finish the race. Which would be humiliating.

Gentleman Friend can’t understand why I’m freaking about warming up his way.  I can’t understand why he can’t soften his approach and just have fun with me that morning.  All of a sudden, my fun V Day race sucks.

High stress, high anxiety and then frustrated about this situation that both of us seem to be losing led to an only okay race.  I finished in 34:21.  9 seconds faster than my December race.  Gentleman Friend ended up running ahead of me.  I’m too slow for him.  Sigh.  No holding hands as we crossed the finish line.  Just a total yuck morning.  And I know I’m a part of this – my stubbornness was high to mask my insecurity.  I didn’t mean to diminish his knowledge, I just wasn’t ready for it in that situation.  Yuck, I say again.  I really dug in, I just didn’t know what else to do.  I’m in a situation where I know I’m kind of an idiot and it just felt like it was being magnified.  I seriously shut down.

So – here’s what I need.  I need to clearly learn a better warm up strategy.  I need to run with him more often and not only in race situations.  I need to trust that he won’t stop seeing me me because I’m a lousy runner.  I need to train outside more.

I don’t often ask questions of the few of you who read this blog – but help me out – has that ever happened to you?  Have you freaked out on a person trying to help you because you were uncomfortable or scared or feeling helpless?  I couldn’t even explain to Gentleman Friend that is wasn’t really about him – his way was better – it was about me not needing that particular information right then.  And by golly, if you happen to be a runner and reading this post – tell me what your warm up protocol is so I can start learning.

Treats

Posted by sarah3030 in growth, random and tagged with , ,

Let’s talk about cereal.  Lucky Charms is my favorite.  I buy a box, maybe once a year and eat it in two days.  Most of the time, I buy grown up cereal.  Something with large amounts of fiber.  Currently I’m eating All Bran.  Very responsible.  I’m walking through the grocery story and I see a new variety of Cheerios, Dulce de Leche.  Cheerios have gotten fancy.   I decide that a bowl of cereal that is half fiber flakes and half caramel Cheerios would be excellent!  (Note: It wasn’t until I got in my car and was driving home that I remembered my ex-husband used to mix cereal all the time and I always thought it was weird.  His preferred mix was Raisin Bran and Honey Nut Cheerios.)

Excellent combo!

I was right!  It was delicious.  Me and my addictive personality have had three bowls of this since Thursday night.  It was dinner Friday night and breakfast and lunch today.  At least it’s given me a pause from the hummus and pita chips that I’m most recently addicted to.

Try it out!

And for a bigger treat…

I wrote about Valentine’s Day yesterday and how it’s a great time for a special treat from someone you love.  Well, I’m a big fan of me.  So, I bought myself a treat with a capital T.

T for Tiffany

That’s right.  I have wanted the little silver ball earrings for years.  Now that I’m confident this job isn’t going away, I’ve got a few paychecks under my belt and I can feel my feet again, I bought myself a Valentine’s Day/New Job present.

Blue box. White bow. Perfection.

It just makes me happy.  I didn’t even open it right away when I got home.  I left them in their pretty, perfectly tied, and very classy box.  This is the value of a brand – when you won’t even untie the bow because you’ll never be able to tie it back the way it was and you don’t want to ruin it right away.  Power of the brand.

Simple. Elegant. Everyday.

There it is.  Happy Valentine’s Day/New Job to me.  I feel elegant and grown up in them.  I love that I’m starting to look more outwardly put together, and even feeling inwardly put together.  I suppose I could have summed that up with I’m feeling more put together in general.  And it’s nice.

Valentine’s Day loveliness

Posted by sarah3030 in Uncategorized

I am neither pro nor anti Valentine’s Day.  I think if you’re single, it’s a reason to buy a nice piece of chocolate and love yourself.  And if you’re in a couple, why not embrace a reason to do something special for the person you love!  I have a pretty hard and fast rule about avoiding restaurants the week of Valentine’s Day, but a small treat, a handwritten love note, a book or piece of jewelry to say I love you seem like a nice idea.

I am in love with all the Valentine’s Day love I’m finding on some of my favorite blogs!  More so than usual.  Here are some of my favorite things!

Super sweet decorated sugar cookies from Our Best Bites.  Lots of swirly hearts!  There are 10 more great ideas on their Valentine’s Day post, go check it out!

Super cute cookies from Our Best Bites!

 Adorable homemade card ideas from stephmodo.  Instructions on the site!

so easy, so sweet!

This proposal story which isn’t directly related to Valentine’s Day – but I love it!  Thanks to Girls with Good Taste for sharing.

...and seriously, how beautiful is this ring?!

And I can’t find where this next photo originated.  I found it on Pinterest, but the link back to it’s blog was broken.  I love the idea of small love notes on a pretty frame made into a dry erase board.

I love this because...It's so simple!

 

 

There you you have it.  Some adorable ideas for small and special ways to say “I think you’re neat!”

So much to do

Posted by sarah3030 in Uncategorized

I’m overwhelmed with stuff to do.  This is not a new concept, but I think I’ll make a list.  I find it helpful to make lists here.  I don’t particularly think it’s interesting blogging, but helpful nonetheless.

  • Fold so much laundry
  • Read 12 chapters in a variety of textbooks
  • Respond to an online discussion question
  • Finish listening to my audio book so I can start writing a paper on it (can I say this is actually the thing I’m doing best right now.  Utilizing my hour minimum commute every day to “read” this giant biography was a great idea.  It’s easily the most consistent reading I’m doing.)
  • Exercise!  Particularly strength training!  How many times do I have to say this to myself?!  My running is getting consistent and I’m building confidence.  I know me well enough to know I need a buddy or a class.  Must find strength training class at Y.  End of story.

Not to mention the extra curricular activities this week of dinner with my friend Claire (which I am super stoked about – she and I are celebrating our great new jobs and we’re going to what I believe is the nicest restaurant in St. Louis – Sidney Street) and dinner with work peeps on Thursday night.

When I first became unemployed I remember feeling so overwhelmed that if I thought if I hid under the covers, if I stayed very still, nothing bad would find me.  I’m sad to say tonight was kind of like that also.  I got home at a reasonable hour, ate a bowl of cereal and thought about all the things I needed to do.  And then I hid under the blanket on my couch.  And I covered myself with cats.  No one will find me under the cats.

When is the last time I took good pictures of good food?  When is the last time I had an interesting story?  Right now, I could tell you about Walt Disney’s life (he’s the biography I’m listening to), how I’m waiting for my last W2 to arrive so I can make an appointment to get my taxes done (too many to do myself I think- four different W2′s, plus my student loan stuff) and how I’m coveting this jacket from lululemon.com.  

Time to read.  A textbook.  Not a blog.  Although darn it if I’m not all involved in Meghann and her quest to find the perfect wedding venue…

I must remember, I brought this on my self.  I want all of this.  I’m grateful to be in all of these wonderful places in my life.  Must figure out how to do it all.  

Cuties!

Posted by sarah3030 in Uncategorized

With a title like that, you’d expect cat pictures from me, wouldn’t you.

Nope!  Oranges!  Mini, baby, tiny, wee oranges!

They are just too cute.  And so easy to peel.

While I was unemployed, I did not think it was the best use of $40 to renew my Sam’s Club membership.  Today after work, that’s all I wanted to do.  It may seem strange to love both the high brow food that I do AND Sam’s Club, but that’s me.  (Seriously, see previous post for internal struggles.)  I love wandering aisles and finding nonsense.  I love buying giant bags of cat food and huge packages of blueberries.  I love the wine aisle and the occasional surprise in produce.  My love of pomegranate seeds started when I saw them at Sam’s and took a chance on them.

Cuties impulse buy!

I could do an entire post about the things I love at Sam’s.  I was smart today.  I did not grab a cart.  I had a singular mission.  Well, a dual mission.  To renew membership and to get a bottle of wine.  That’s it.  No cart.  I wandered pet food and cleaning supplies.  Stopped briefly in mattresses and linens.  Coveted some really nice patio furniture.  And continued on to wine.  Picked up two bottles.  Mistakenly walked through produce.  Saw the big thing of blueberries.  Can’t resist.  Picked ‘em up.  Still okay, two bottles of wine and blueberries.  And then I saw the green bottle in the picture above.  I’ve got a thing for the green smoothies that everyone is crazy about these days.  I have spinach at my house already.  I thought this looked like a good way to mix some up without buying a ton of fruit right now.  The ingredient list on the juice is really clean and a cup of that, plus two cups of spinach, plus a cup of water and some ice = this weeks green smoothies!  The juice is already green.  It seemed like the right thing to do.

So.  I came home with two bottles of wine, the green juice (the Cutie mandarin oranges I already had at home) and blueberries.  I’ll be looking forward to my green drink tomorrow morning.  After I try and get up at 5am to run.  Should probably go to bed…

Organization Development has a hold on me

Posted by sarah3030 in My story continues, random and tagged with , ,

Me in my cool new BG hoodie! Official gear of a college student, yes?

Grad school homework is a tad overwhelming.

Come to think of it, grad school is a tad overwhelming.

My first residency weekend was this past weekend.  Three days of class and meeting new people and presentations and so much group work.  There was a fair amount of getting to know you.  I was overcome with this idea that I had to create an identity for myself.  That I needed to be defined as the “__ person.”  You know, the union guy, the weird lady, the bitchy one, the Purell guy, etc…  That I needed to decide who I wanted to be, to portray myself as while I’m there.  Is that odd?  Wouldn’t most people show up and be themselves?  Do I know myself at all?

I am a big fan of the Disc Profile.  It’s a self assessment, similar to the Meyers Briggs.  Disc looks at your behavioral tendencies and how you interact with the world.  The last time I took this assessment I was working for the CVC, happy with my job and looking for answers in my personal life.  I was a solid S.  S for Steady.  I like to be the work horse behind the people with the great ideas.  I like to follow a plan.  I wanted to apply that to grad school.  I didn’t want to be out in front.  I want to absorb and learn.  I haven’t learned anything in a long time.  I didn’t want to have to speak up at every question.  And the good news is, there are plenty of showy people in class.  The high I or high D personalities that like control.  I don’t need to be it.  The professor even spoke about this on the first day – we need to learn, not perform.

I took the assessment last week for my new job (which is going great, by the way!).  You know what it came out?  High I and D.  And it’s not surprising.  When I think of my last work experience, my most recent work at the casino and how that all ended, it’s not surprising that I think of trying to take over, take control of my environment.

I cannot explain how conflicting all of this is for me though.  I am sure this sounds like a wackadoo post to anyone reading.  I can’t put my finger on what’s pulling at me.  But something is.  Who do I want to be?  What do I want to be?  How do I feel I can be most successful in my environment?

Sheesh.  I’m confident reading one of my text books is a better use of my time right now.  I need to post some pictures soon.  I need to cook some stuff soon. Free time is precious these days, friends.

Grad school is supposed to make me more coherent, yes?  Or is this part of the higher education process.  Learning about Organization Development and Change….and myself?

Sheesh I say again.